Introduction Dick, dong, putz, schlong, peter, johnson, skin flute, trouser snake, Mr. Happy, Vlad the Impaler
, aka the penis. The penis as a topic of discussion is immediately provocative. And now you can
say the word on television. Its likeness seems to pop up just about everywhere these days, whether as an eggplant emoji in a sext or, in its most explicit digital rendition, streaming across Internet porn. Usually the subject of jokes, the penis is often misunderstood, shamed, and just plain given a hard time (although sometimes a hard time is okay). It’s time to lift the veil of ignorance and give this vital organ its day in the sun.
As a urologist, it is in my job description to do the dirty work of probing around where other doctors are typically afraid to go. Doctors are people too, and they are often squeamish about discussing sexual issues and concerns about the penis. I know the importance of getting the conversation started because confusion, fear, and even desperation so often surround these topics. I have had the privilege of educating and helping not only thousands of my own patients but many people across the country and around the world through my many television appearances. All the information you will read here is highly accurate and heavily referenced. I am a bona fide expert, serving on guideline committees and reviewing journals for prestigious medical societies, but my true joy is educating people with a lighthearted touch. Call it a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.
When I proposed writing a book about the penis, the question arose: Can you really squeeze a whole book out of that thing? After all, to many it’s a body part that makes few appearances and mostly just hangs around until it’s time to go to bed. Well, as an expert who has devoted my career to the health and well-being of thousands of penises, I know the penis can be a big topic. But even I was surprised at how hard it could be to stuff all of it into the pages of one book. Working with penises all day long and being the proud owner of one I already have a firm grip on the matter, but in writing this book, I probed even deeper to give you the most penetrating treatment of the penis that money can buy (at least legally).
Questions, concerns, and fascination about the penis cut across class, race, and gender. Whose is the biggest? Whose is the smallest? Whose is the strongest? Whose is the fastest? Why does it do that
? Why doesn’t
it do that
? Is it okay if it does that
? Is it supposed to look like that
? What the hell is that
? And so on. This book answers all those questions and more. The Penis Book
is organized into three parts to help you master your domain. The first part is all about how it works. You will learn the anatomy of the penis, how there’s much more than meets the eye, and how it transforms from Mister Softee into Rocket Man. Another coming attraction is, you guessed it, a section all about coming—too soon, too late, or just in time. This sticky subject is tackled tastefully. But that’s not the whole wad. We size things up with real scientific studies of length, width, and performance duration. You may be surprised where you “stand.”
I have been asked more times than you can shake a dick at if there really are pills that make one’s penis bigger, or devices, or even surgery. The answers are found in Part One. We look at how much of what’s advertised is snake oil, and how much is really snake. We take a piercing look at penis bling as well. When it comes to size, the porno penis stands out. We take a candid look at porn to see if it’s really all it’s cracked up to be.
Turtlenecks versus V-necks is a fashion choice. Circumcision is a lifetime decision. There are both risks and benefits to this widespread practice. The reasons for circumcision range from tradition to prevention or even treatment of a medical condition. Sometimes it’s hard to pull back the controversy to expose the facts, but we get inside and underneath this topic, leaving no buildup of uncertainty.
The penis is more than a body part. It is a symbol and an idea that has stood prominently throughout the ages. It has been glorified, envied, feared, and shunned. Part One wraps up with a discussion of the penis in history, politics, and culture.
Now that you know how the penis works, Part Two is all about how to work it and what to do to keep it working. By the time you get your hands on The Penis Book
, you may already have had some trouble. Part Two teaches you why Mr. Happy isn’t always and how to cheer him up. Psychological and physical causes of erectile dysfunction are explained, and we look at the most effective remedies, from pills to shots to suction to surgery.
Testosterone is the fuel for a man’s engine. It strengthens your muscles and bones, puts hair on your chest (but not your head), and plays an important role in sexual performance. Testosterone can boost desire and it can cure depression. It can also increase your life span. But it may do nothing of the sort, if you don’t actually need it. Part Two helps you understand how to check your fuel gauge and how to fill ’er up if you are running low.
What you eat is critical to your penis health, and both exercise and sexercise are important as well. Proper diet and exercise can actually reverse erectile dysfunction. Sleep and supplements can play a part. It all comes together in Chapter 16, titled My Five-Step Plan for Maximum Penis Health. You will learn the easy but essential steps to maintaining a strong, healthy penis for years to come. Follow these steps and you won’t outlive your penis.
Part Three is not for the faint of heart, but it is for the damaged of dick. In this section we look at the range of things that can go wrong with the penis. You can bend it, you can break it, you can even cut it off and still it can be fixed. Saving Private Ryan is covered in this section. Whereas Part Two gives tips on getting it up, Part Three gives advice for when you can’t get it down—a painful situation of too much of a good thing. STDs, infections, rashes, and even cancer are all touched upon (wash your hands), with recommendations for prevention and treatment.
Things can go wrong when the penis is just starting to form. It may not finish forming, or its development can go too far. There can be a mismatch between your genitals and your gender when your “brain sex” mismatches the big head and the little head. We look at the options, including going from an outie to an innie and vice versa.
The penis is an amazing and complex organ. It holds the key to unimaginable pleasure, and at the same time it’s a window into your overall health and well-being. The more you know about your penis, the happier and healthier you may be. My wish for you is that this book keeps you up at night.
Copyright © 2018 by Aaron Spitz, MD, Chief Representative for America's Urologists to the American Medical Association. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.