Stray

A Memoir

$12.99 US
Knopf | Vintage
On sale May 19, 2020 | 9781101875971
Sales rights: US, Canada, Open Mkt
From the bestselling author of Sweetbitter, a memoir of growing up in a family shattered by lies and addiction, and of one woman's attempts to find a life beyond the limits of her past. Stray is a moving, sometimes devastating, brilliantly written and ultimately inspiring exploration of the landscapes of damage and survival.

After selling her first novel--a dream she'd worked long and hard for--Stephanie Danler knew she should be happy. Instead, she found herself driven to face the difficult past she'd left behind a decade ago: a mother disabled by years of alcoholism, further handicapped by a tragic brain aneurysm; a father who abandoned the family when she was three, now a meth addict in and out of recovery. After years in New York City she's pulled home to Southern California by forces she doesn't totally understand, haunted by questions of legacy and trauma. Here, she works toward answers, uncovering hard truths about her parents and herself as she explores whether it's possible to change the course of her history.

Lucid and honest, heart-breaking and full of hope, Stray is an examination of what we inherit and what we don't have to, of what we have to face in ourselves to move forward, and what it's like to let go of one's parents in order to find peace--and a family--of one's own.
Long Beach, California
 
Men are cowards, my aunt says to me. He’s not going to leave his wife. Their essence is just scared little boys. He’s afraid you’ll leave him someday. You think because you had the courage to leave your marriage, this guy does as well. He doesn’t and it’s not his fault. He’s not built for it.
 
He’s going to leave, I say quietly. He said before the holidays.
 
Are you really this stupid?
 
Countless times I’ve washed up on the shore of my aunt’s home in Naples and taken refuge. I even lived with her earlier this year, for a month, while finishing one of the drafts of my novel. She deposits me in a massive bed with Porthault sheets and brings me a massive glass of the cheap Chardonnay my uncle favors at 5:30 p.m. on the dot.
 
I sit with her and my uncle in the evenings and they tell me stories about California. Corrupt politicians, money-laundering schemes on Catalina Island, gossip about Gil Garcetti, famous cases they were briefly custodians of, all the ways the cops fucked up the O.J. trial. We sometimes argue about politics, then pull back before anything becomes hurtful. My aunt does my laundry, chides me for dressing like a kid and for wearing the same four outfits for the past year. Don’t you just want to burn these clothes?
 
This must be what people feel when they go home to their parents. I can’t talk to my friends about this affair anymore. I’m defensive, self-righteous, a tone I know from when I’ve been part of interventions. I speak hotly with denial and I don’t care. It’s a state of mind that is strikingly similar to faith.
 
My aunt, for whatever reason, from whatever bank of life experience, is kinder about this than about most of my alternative listeners. She actually remembers the Monster. I have no idea why or how, but when I told her I was seeing him, she wasn’t surprised. Oh, he was always in love with you. I could tell by the way he looked at you.
 
He was fourteen, I replied. She shrugged. It was plain as day.
 
I’ve never been able to see anything so clearly, I say. My life with him.
 
You see it clearly because you’re making it up.
 
I’m not stupid. Do you think I would be in this if I wasn’t sure?
 
She considers this. I see her imagining whether she’s going to have to have dinners like this with the Monster, see him on the occasional holiday. Or if this is going to be another painful story in my database. The odds, I’m aware, are not with me.

You’re going to be broken before you begin. It will all be uphill.
 
It cannot be harder than what we’re doing now. There will be peace. Peace is coming.
 
I’m staring into my Chardonnay glass. I haven’t spoken to the Monster in two weeks, allowing him one last time in therapy with his wife. But I feel him out there, circling me. We often said that we would have found each other earlier if I hadn’t been sent to Colorado. We often wonder why he walked into Union Square Cafe in New York City, just three weeks after I had gotten the job, with no idea I even lived in New York. These kinds of stories protected me from believing I degraded myself over absolutely nothing.
 
Do you ever wish you had stayed married? my aunt asks suddenly.
 
I guess it’s strange I never think about that. I wish I was the kind of person who could have stayed married.
 
I flash the snake ring at her. She smiles. There’s a fire in the outdoor fireplace. I can smell the sea. I recalled suddenly my first winter in New York City. I couldn’t afford to buy myself a dresser so I lived in a room surrounded by suitcases. She flew out and bought me a winter coat from H&M. She often appeared in moments of believing I had no one. And now . . . she’s pleased . . . She’s pleased I’m with her, I can tell.
 
You know, I never thought you’d move back here. Never thought you should go to graduate school for that gratuitous degree. I did not think you should leave your marriage. I don’t say this often, but I was really wrong about that whole thing.
 
What whole thing?
 
You.
"[Stray is] fearless, insightful, devastating, and beautiful. It broke my heart, and it twisted up my insides. The stories are still sitting in my gut . . . Danler writes (beautifully, achingly) about the family she comes from and the one she's created for herself." 
—Laura Marie Meyers, POPSUGAR

"Danler explores the ugly areas of her past, sorting through troublesome memories to make room for positive change . . . [Stray] is written in gripping and refreshingly plain terms . . . [Danler]
 asks what it means to lose someone who is still very much alive, and how to rebuild broken bonds." 
—Annabel Gutterman, TIME

"Stray invites us to look closely at our own life: our family dynamics, our loss, our trauma, and the moments of happiness that still exist within that fragile frame . . . Stunning prose . . . Danler tells her story candidly . . . The honesty she brings to her reader allows us to think about our own story, the parts that make up a whole without trying to fit our identity into a preordained box." 
—Frances Yackel, Electric Lit

"[Danler’s] fiction is as composed and bountiful as one of Jan Davidsz de Heem’s still life . . . Memoir — I say this with reverence — is a selfish act. It asserts the priority of one version of events over all others, that of the individual lucky enough to wield the pen. Danler knows this and openly owns the fact that she can only tell this story with the particular varieties of truth that she can muster . . . It’s such a thrill to watch a writer open up her greediest thoughts, to slice open little pockets of her skin and root around underneath her flesh." —Hillary Kelly, New York Times Book Review

"Novelist Danler (Sweetbitter) returns to her hometown of Los Angeles and comes to a reckoning in this forceful, eviscerating memoir . . . Danler, writing in precise, elegant prose, outlines her family’s disintegration . . . The result is a penetrating and unforgettable tale of family dysfunction." —Publishers Weekly (Starred)

"Like most compelling memoirs, the trauma and pure un-fair-ness of her life story will hit readers instantaneously." —Seija Rankin, Entertainment Weekly 

"A raw, often lyrical portrait of pain, loss, and learning to let go." 
—Leah Greenblatt, Entertainment Weekly

"In Stray, Danler remembers and relives what it was like growing up the child of addicts and returning home to California after almost a decade away to confront her family’s past. She evaluates how it has weighed on her own life, from the decisions she’s made to the men she’s loved."
—Rachel King, Fortune ("5 new books to read in May")

"Stray pokes so closely at the wounds of addiction, heartbreak, and parental failures that it may come as a shock." —Kathryn Lindsay, Refinery29

"A new book that offers more insight into [Danler's] life . . . Danler writes about returning to Southern California and working to discover truths about her parents and herself."
—Lexy Perez, Hollywood Reporter ("Summer Books")


"With painful honesty, [Danler] looks back at the past and lets go of grief in hopes of moving forward." —Elizabeth Entenman, Hello Giggles ("The 10 best new books to read in May that your virtual book club will love")

"Stephanie Danler knows about the long-term damage of substance abuse in the family, how the trauma can manifest itself decades later, and how recovery is never out of the cards . . . Danler’s is a reflective redemption story told from experience." 
—Mozes Zarate, The San Francisco Chronicle

"A great memoir is brazen, unflinchingly honest, and raw; the writer lays herself bare and exquisitely exposed so readers can compare scars. That is what Stephanie Danler has done. Stray is filled with uniquely southern California verisimilitude: light, canyons, flora, fauna, human failings, and the tacit understanding that danger lurks in nature as well as nurture. I knew and know the ghosts that Ms. Danler writes about. Stray dragged me through the mud and mire of my memories as well as hers, and then washed us both clean to emerge anew. This is a brave and beautiful book that fortifies our own survival skills." —Jamie Lee Curtis

"Danler reckons with past trauma as she works to understand the past and look toward the future."
— Juliana Rose Pignataro, Newsweek ("The 20 Must-Read Fiction and Nonfiction Books of the Summer")

“[A] fierce, unsparing memoir . . . In Danler’s evocation of California’s complicated history and the darkness that lurks under its sunny exterior, Stray brings to mind the work of Joan Didion, and her frank portrayal of the nightmare of addiction is akin to Leslie Jamison’s The Recovering. But in its painful candor and hard-earned wisdom, Stray is every bit its own vivid creation.”
—Harvey Freedenberg, BookPage

“Against a backdrop of geographic beauty—the cliffs of California’s Palos Verdes Estates with her mother, the glacier lakes of Rocky Mountain National Park with her father, a pilgrimage on foot across Spain in the aftermath of her divorce—Danler captures both the tragedy of inherited trauma, and the remarkably human ability to amount to something far greater than the sum of our own wrongdoings and the misfortunes we’ve suffered.”
—Jenna Adrian-Diaz, Vogue

"Acknowledging both the tribute of memory and the mercy of forgetting with one distinctive voice, this is a rare and skillfully structured view of an artist's love, grief, and growth."
—Annie Bostrom, Booklist

“I read Stray on the edge of my seat. This is a story of triumph: the triumph of grit, talent, grace, and beauty over the dark pull of inner demons. I’ll be thinking about the courage it took to write this book for a long time to come.”
Dani Shapiro, author of Inheritance
 
“In Stray, Stephanie Danler has created a compulsive, neck-breaking masterpiece. It is pleasurable and full-throatedly sensual beyond words. The abounding pain is unsentimentally rendered but mind-blowingly felt. It's a dark and hot book, a violently provocative one. But it is also quiet, tender. Ultimately this is a kind writer and on every page there is hope.”
Lisa Taddeo, author of Three Women

“Danler's first memoir is as well-written as her novel was . . . [A] moving text in which writing is therapeutic and family trauma is useful material.” 
Kirkus Reviews

About

From the bestselling author of Sweetbitter, a memoir of growing up in a family shattered by lies and addiction, and of one woman's attempts to find a life beyond the limits of her past. Stray is a moving, sometimes devastating, brilliantly written and ultimately inspiring exploration of the landscapes of damage and survival.

After selling her first novel--a dream she'd worked long and hard for--Stephanie Danler knew she should be happy. Instead, she found herself driven to face the difficult past she'd left behind a decade ago: a mother disabled by years of alcoholism, further handicapped by a tragic brain aneurysm; a father who abandoned the family when she was three, now a meth addict in and out of recovery. After years in New York City she's pulled home to Southern California by forces she doesn't totally understand, haunted by questions of legacy and trauma. Here, she works toward answers, uncovering hard truths about her parents and herself as she explores whether it's possible to change the course of her history.

Lucid and honest, heart-breaking and full of hope, Stray is an examination of what we inherit and what we don't have to, of what we have to face in ourselves to move forward, and what it's like to let go of one's parents in order to find peace--and a family--of one's own.

Excerpt

Long Beach, California
 
Men are cowards, my aunt says to me. He’s not going to leave his wife. Their essence is just scared little boys. He’s afraid you’ll leave him someday. You think because you had the courage to leave your marriage, this guy does as well. He doesn’t and it’s not his fault. He’s not built for it.
 
He’s going to leave, I say quietly. He said before the holidays.
 
Are you really this stupid?
 
Countless times I’ve washed up on the shore of my aunt’s home in Naples and taken refuge. I even lived with her earlier this year, for a month, while finishing one of the drafts of my novel. She deposits me in a massive bed with Porthault sheets and brings me a massive glass of the cheap Chardonnay my uncle favors at 5:30 p.m. on the dot.
 
I sit with her and my uncle in the evenings and they tell me stories about California. Corrupt politicians, money-laundering schemes on Catalina Island, gossip about Gil Garcetti, famous cases they were briefly custodians of, all the ways the cops fucked up the O.J. trial. We sometimes argue about politics, then pull back before anything becomes hurtful. My aunt does my laundry, chides me for dressing like a kid and for wearing the same four outfits for the past year. Don’t you just want to burn these clothes?
 
This must be what people feel when they go home to their parents. I can’t talk to my friends about this affair anymore. I’m defensive, self-righteous, a tone I know from when I’ve been part of interventions. I speak hotly with denial and I don’t care. It’s a state of mind that is strikingly similar to faith.
 
My aunt, for whatever reason, from whatever bank of life experience, is kinder about this than about most of my alternative listeners. She actually remembers the Monster. I have no idea why or how, but when I told her I was seeing him, she wasn’t surprised. Oh, he was always in love with you. I could tell by the way he looked at you.
 
He was fourteen, I replied. She shrugged. It was plain as day.
 
I’ve never been able to see anything so clearly, I say. My life with him.
 
You see it clearly because you’re making it up.
 
I’m not stupid. Do you think I would be in this if I wasn’t sure?
 
She considers this. I see her imagining whether she’s going to have to have dinners like this with the Monster, see him on the occasional holiday. Or if this is going to be another painful story in my database. The odds, I’m aware, are not with me.

You’re going to be broken before you begin. It will all be uphill.
 
It cannot be harder than what we’re doing now. There will be peace. Peace is coming.
 
I’m staring into my Chardonnay glass. I haven’t spoken to the Monster in two weeks, allowing him one last time in therapy with his wife. But I feel him out there, circling me. We often said that we would have found each other earlier if I hadn’t been sent to Colorado. We often wonder why he walked into Union Square Cafe in New York City, just three weeks after I had gotten the job, with no idea I even lived in New York. These kinds of stories protected me from believing I degraded myself over absolutely nothing.
 
Do you ever wish you had stayed married? my aunt asks suddenly.
 
I guess it’s strange I never think about that. I wish I was the kind of person who could have stayed married.
 
I flash the snake ring at her. She smiles. There’s a fire in the outdoor fireplace. I can smell the sea. I recalled suddenly my first winter in New York City. I couldn’t afford to buy myself a dresser so I lived in a room surrounded by suitcases. She flew out and bought me a winter coat from H&M. She often appeared in moments of believing I had no one. And now . . . she’s pleased . . . She’s pleased I’m with her, I can tell.
 
You know, I never thought you’d move back here. Never thought you should go to graduate school for that gratuitous degree. I did not think you should leave your marriage. I don’t say this often, but I was really wrong about that whole thing.
 
What whole thing?
 
You.

Praise

"[Stray is] fearless, insightful, devastating, and beautiful. It broke my heart, and it twisted up my insides. The stories are still sitting in my gut . . . Danler writes (beautifully, achingly) about the family she comes from and the one she's created for herself." 
—Laura Marie Meyers, POPSUGAR

"Danler explores the ugly areas of her past, sorting through troublesome memories to make room for positive change . . . [Stray] is written in gripping and refreshingly plain terms . . . [Danler]
 asks what it means to lose someone who is still very much alive, and how to rebuild broken bonds." 
—Annabel Gutterman, TIME

"Stray invites us to look closely at our own life: our family dynamics, our loss, our trauma, and the moments of happiness that still exist within that fragile frame . . . Stunning prose . . . Danler tells her story candidly . . . The honesty she brings to her reader allows us to think about our own story, the parts that make up a whole without trying to fit our identity into a preordained box." 
—Frances Yackel, Electric Lit

"[Danler’s] fiction is as composed and bountiful as one of Jan Davidsz de Heem’s still life . . . Memoir — I say this with reverence — is a selfish act. It asserts the priority of one version of events over all others, that of the individual lucky enough to wield the pen. Danler knows this and openly owns the fact that she can only tell this story with the particular varieties of truth that she can muster . . . It’s such a thrill to watch a writer open up her greediest thoughts, to slice open little pockets of her skin and root around underneath her flesh." —Hillary Kelly, New York Times Book Review

"Novelist Danler (Sweetbitter) returns to her hometown of Los Angeles and comes to a reckoning in this forceful, eviscerating memoir . . . Danler, writing in precise, elegant prose, outlines her family’s disintegration . . . The result is a penetrating and unforgettable tale of family dysfunction." —Publishers Weekly (Starred)

"Like most compelling memoirs, the trauma and pure un-fair-ness of her life story will hit readers instantaneously." —Seija Rankin, Entertainment Weekly 

"A raw, often lyrical portrait of pain, loss, and learning to let go." 
—Leah Greenblatt, Entertainment Weekly

"In Stray, Danler remembers and relives what it was like growing up the child of addicts and returning home to California after almost a decade away to confront her family’s past. She evaluates how it has weighed on her own life, from the decisions she’s made to the men she’s loved."
—Rachel King, Fortune ("5 new books to read in May")

"Stray pokes so closely at the wounds of addiction, heartbreak, and parental failures that it may come as a shock." —Kathryn Lindsay, Refinery29

"A new book that offers more insight into [Danler's] life . . . Danler writes about returning to Southern California and working to discover truths about her parents and herself."
—Lexy Perez, Hollywood Reporter ("Summer Books")


"With painful honesty, [Danler] looks back at the past and lets go of grief in hopes of moving forward." —Elizabeth Entenman, Hello Giggles ("The 10 best new books to read in May that your virtual book club will love")

"Stephanie Danler knows about the long-term damage of substance abuse in the family, how the trauma can manifest itself decades later, and how recovery is never out of the cards . . . Danler’s is a reflective redemption story told from experience." 
—Mozes Zarate, The San Francisco Chronicle

"A great memoir is brazen, unflinchingly honest, and raw; the writer lays herself bare and exquisitely exposed so readers can compare scars. That is what Stephanie Danler has done. Stray is filled with uniquely southern California verisimilitude: light, canyons, flora, fauna, human failings, and the tacit understanding that danger lurks in nature as well as nurture. I knew and know the ghosts that Ms. Danler writes about. Stray dragged me through the mud and mire of my memories as well as hers, and then washed us both clean to emerge anew. This is a brave and beautiful book that fortifies our own survival skills." —Jamie Lee Curtis

"Danler reckons with past trauma as she works to understand the past and look toward the future."
— Juliana Rose Pignataro, Newsweek ("The 20 Must-Read Fiction and Nonfiction Books of the Summer")

“[A] fierce, unsparing memoir . . . In Danler’s evocation of California’s complicated history and the darkness that lurks under its sunny exterior, Stray brings to mind the work of Joan Didion, and her frank portrayal of the nightmare of addiction is akin to Leslie Jamison’s The Recovering. But in its painful candor and hard-earned wisdom, Stray is every bit its own vivid creation.”
—Harvey Freedenberg, BookPage

“Against a backdrop of geographic beauty—the cliffs of California’s Palos Verdes Estates with her mother, the glacier lakes of Rocky Mountain National Park with her father, a pilgrimage on foot across Spain in the aftermath of her divorce—Danler captures both the tragedy of inherited trauma, and the remarkably human ability to amount to something far greater than the sum of our own wrongdoings and the misfortunes we’ve suffered.”
—Jenna Adrian-Diaz, Vogue

"Acknowledging both the tribute of memory and the mercy of forgetting with one distinctive voice, this is a rare and skillfully structured view of an artist's love, grief, and growth."
—Annie Bostrom, Booklist

“I read Stray on the edge of my seat. This is a story of triumph: the triumph of grit, talent, grace, and beauty over the dark pull of inner demons. I’ll be thinking about the courage it took to write this book for a long time to come.”
Dani Shapiro, author of Inheritance
 
“In Stray, Stephanie Danler has created a compulsive, neck-breaking masterpiece. It is pleasurable and full-throatedly sensual beyond words. The abounding pain is unsentimentally rendered but mind-blowingly felt. It's a dark and hot book, a violently provocative one. But it is also quiet, tender. Ultimately this is a kind writer and on every page there is hope.”
Lisa Taddeo, author of Three Women

“Danler's first memoir is as well-written as her novel was . . . [A] moving text in which writing is therapeutic and family trauma is useful material.” 
Kirkus Reviews