Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction: Welcome to Marriage Boot Camp!
1: Communication
2: Sex
3: Money
4: Chores
5: Personality Differences
6: Parenting
7: Cheating
8: Fighting
9: Wrestling with the Past
10: The Need for Forgiveness
INTRODUCTION
WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP!
HAVE YOU BEEN A fan of the Marriage Boot Camp television series on WE tv? Some of you may have seen every season; the first two seasons consisted of participants from the infamous Bridezillas television show, followed by several seasons of reality stars from various television shows and genres. We’ve found that putting a mix of all different varieties of couples together in a boot-camp environment is helpful; not only will couples see the snarls and tangles in their own marriages, but seeing the struggles of other couples helps them in their own lives.
While these men and women come from varied socioeconomic backgrounds, educations, and places, they all came into the Marriage Boot Camp program struggling with equally daunting marital problems.
Our Bridezillas were really fascinating. We repeatedly heard from fans of the show that nobody was surprised to find those women having trouble in their relationships; it was what they expected after watching how they behaved toward their future spouses during their wedding planning and on the big day.
But through Marriage Boot Camp, we saw what was behind the tantrums portrayed on their shows and how in some cases, their future spouses had a lot to do with triggering their behavior. We saw the pain couples suffer when one or both of them are dishonest and hiding things. All of them finished our program more aware of their spouse’s needs and more understanding of the kind of respect and trust a marriage requires. Some of these women were less Bridezilla divas and more legitimately concerned wives. Really, in today’s world, if you cannot allow your spouse to look at your cell phone, there are much deeper trust issues that need serious consideration.
What many viewers don’t know is that Marriage Boot Camp existed long before the television show first aired in May of 2013. We created Marriage Boot Camp workshops and counseling seminars almost twelve years before we began appearing on television to share our approach to strengthening a marriage. To date more than ten thousand couples have participated in our workshops, and we commissioned a two-year study in 2001 that demonstrated exactly how successful the Marriage Boot Camp protocol is.
Statistically, traditional marriage counseling works only twenty percent of the time. Our study proved that eighty percent of the couples who used Marriage Boot Camp for relationship counseling went on to have happy and successful marriages. There’s nothing else like it—no other therapy program can claim a success rate that high.
Why is Marriage Boot Camp so successful? Because it forces struggling couples to step back and reevaluate everything, which includes looking in the mirror at their own issues. We often say that we have to take the marriage apart and look at every component to get to the root of the problem so we can build the marriage back up and give it a chance to work. Our program forces both spouses to not only hear and learn more about the needs and desires and fears of their partners, but we also put them in situations where they actually experience what their spouse is feeling for themselves.
HOW WILL THIS BOOK WORK FOR YOU?
You’ve picked up this book because you’re struggling in your own relationship and you’re wondering if reading this will help. Or you’re a massive fan of the show, in which case you’ll also enjoy reading about the process and gaining more understanding about what you’re seeing on television. The original Marriage Boot Camp seminar program tools are what you’re seeing on WE tv’s reality show, but the show gives us the ability to more graphically and vividly let the campers experience certain aspects of drills that couldn’t be executed in a classroom. The book breaks the program down into the steps we use to get these couples from a dark place to an enlightened understanding of each other’s needs and wants. And eighty percent of the time, it’s been proven to work to save a relationship in distress.
The foundation for this book comes from the Marriage Boot Camp seminar series and WE tv’s reality television show. We’ve taken many of the games, drills, and exercises we teach and put them in a readable, functional format to bring you an experience of healing that you can do at home. The chapters contain some guided visualizations that drop the reader into the world of the imagination to consider life from a different perspective. Stories and anecdotes from those who have already gone through the Marriage Boot Camp will illustrate how others have applied our teachings to their own lives. Then we give you several exercises that apply topic-specific activities to your life. By the time you’ve finished the book, you will have tools for living life and experiencing relationships more fully and more effectively. While there are many things that can negatively impact your marriage, after close to twenty years of shepherding spouses toward their own happily ever after, we have boiled this book down to the top-ten marriage killers: communication problems, sex problems, money disagreements, battling over chores, personality differences, parenting challenges, cheating, inability to resolve conflict, refusing to let go of the past, and issues surrounding the need for forgiveness.
If you can master these areas of challenge, then you, too, may find purpose in spreading the word: You can have the marriage you’ve always wanted!
WHY IS MARRIAGE SO HARD?
We all desperately long for a happy relationship. We were born into relationships, helpless and vulnerable, and had it not been for relationships, we would have perished. Not much has changed except the fact that we can physically survive, but a part of us dies without an intimate connection.
We are created to love and be loved, and there is no greater opportunity for this love than in marriage. We are called to become one with another so that we can touch each other’s deepest needs: the need for security—knowing that we are loved—and the need for significance—knowing that we are valued. So why is marriage so hard? It is hard because in order to be successful in marriage, you have to be solid and whole. That means you have to love yourself, delight in the unique creation of you, and appreciate the unique creation reflected in others. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else . . . yet marriage will not tolerate selfishness.
The dissolution of marriage through divorce has become commonplace and widespread, with a marriage success rate hovering around fifty percent in the United States. If a disease affected more than half of the populace, spreading suffering to all age groups, we would frantically search for a solution, but the disease of divorce is virtually ignored. Politicians may talk about returning to family values, and current events may inspire discussions of how the dissolution of the family unit has caused the havoc going on in some cities, but at the end of the day, nobody is doing anything about it. It’s all rhetoric.
Well, not anymore. This book takes on the divorce disease and more. It will help you understand who you are, why you are the way you are, and how these traits result in the marriage that you have. Once you understand the reasons that your life is the way it is today, we give you the tools to choose different beliefs and actions to get to a different outcome. The result is the marriage that you’ve always wanted.
Maybe you’re reading this book because you’re struggling with your relationship but your partner isn’t willing to embark on counseling together. That’s okay. You can start this program alone. Our hope is that once you’ve read the book, you’ll be better able to communicate with your partner based on the exercises and tools we’ve provided you.
However, it’s worth the struggle to ask your spouse to work the Marriage Boot Camp program with you and try to make progress in your lives together. Even if he or she isn’t ready to tackle the whole enchilada with you at one time, you may be able to navigate some of the steps and drills together without making your partner feel tested or judged. You may even find him or her more amenable than you thought! So be prepared just in case your spouse says yes when you initiate the discussion; some of the exercises are fun but require a little prep work for the uninitiated.
WHAT KIND OF “REAL” COUPLES DO THE MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP?
All kinds of couples participate in Marriage Boot Camp. Fans of the show know that the backgrounds and relationship problems of the couples all vary dramatically. Every human being is different, and each of us processes our relationships differently.
Here’s a little snapshot of a real (as in non-reality-television) couple who attended our active, experiential seminar:
It is ten o’clock on a Wednesday morning and forty couples enter the Marriage Boot Camp room. There’s a crackle in the air, but it is not the crackle of excitement. It is the crackle of pain. All of the couples are here because their marriages are in trouble. Many of them don’t want to be here but have come because they deeply love their spouse despite their relationship problems and they want to try to fix their marriages. For more than half of the couples in the room, this is their last-ditch effort to save their marriage. Many have already filed for divorce. We also have pre-marrieds doing the hard work before the wedding. Smart.
Some of the people in the room are here because they were dragged, coerced by their spouse, family, friends, or children to try one more thing before ending their marriage. Most of the people in the room are desperate for help even if attending Marriage Boot Camp wasn’t their idea.
Take the example of Bobby and Melissa:
Bobby and Melissa have been married for six years. They have two children, ages six and three. At nineteen years old, they found themselves accidentally pregnant and unmarried. Their dreams of education and individual successes were dashed in that instant. Bobby carries a deep-seated resentment toward Melissa, feeling that she manipulated him by getting pregnant. Melissa feels unfairly accused because the pregnancy was as much Bobby’s fault as hers. They ended their relationship during the pregnancy, dated other people, but kept coming back together out of their love for their son and a powerful sexual attraction. When Bobby decided to enter the military, he found that his benefits would be much greater if he were married. Plus, he didn’t want to travel the world alone. So for all the wrong reasons, Bobby and Melissa got married.
They tried to do marriage right, even having a second child together, but over time infidelity, deception, and lengthy absences poisoned whatever love they felt for each other. Both of them wanted to have a happy marriage, but they also both realized they didn’t know how to achieve that goal. They read every self-help book they could find and also participated in marriage counseling. Coming to Marriage Boot Camp was their last-ditch effort to avoid divorce.
Bobby and Melissa both grew up in dysfunctional homes with revolving father figures. Neither had ever seen a truly healthy, loving marriage, and they were well on the road to giving their children the same dysfunctional home that they had grown up in—the last thing they wanted to do. Their primary motivation for working out their relationship lay in the fact that they didn’t want to see their children suffer the way they had.
Upon arrival, Bobby and Melissa were both challenged to give one hundred percent to the Marriage Boot Camp program. They were promised they would be given the tools to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage. But they were also warned that just having the tools wouldn’t be enough to save their marriage. We asked this question: “Do you want to grow and heal and learn so that you can have a healthy marriage, or do you want to drag all of your dysfunction from this marriage into your future?”
Bobby and Melissa committed to giving one hundred percent. Both had little hope that their marriage would survive (some couples who travel to attend our boot camps actually arrive dreading spending even a few days in their hotel room together, much less contemplate spending the next ten, twenty, or forty years together), but they knew that they would have to co-parent their two small children whether or not they remained married. They both knew firsthand what it was like to have parents who couldn’t work together and who made life miserable for the children, and neither wanted to be that parent.
It was a difficult seminar for them, but the end result is that Bobby and Melissa were able to forgive each other, and themselves, for past transgressions and move forward. They learned how to communicate their needs and fears in a healthier manner. Marriages are never perfect, and they all require work and attention, but for now Bobby and Melissa both feel more safe and secure and able to provide the kind of family life for their children that they themselves had craved.
WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP?
You, too, can be “happily married,” but you have to be willing to give one hundred percent, dig deep, and work your butt off. This book will take you through the process of Marriage Boot Camp, and if you are indeed giving it your all, you’ll be pushed, prodded, and guided to become the best possible version of yourself. It is our experience that if you grow, your marriage will grow and you can have the marriage you’ve always wanted.
1
COMMUNICATION
WITH GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS, you can solve virtually any problem. With bad communication skills, you will struggle to solve even the smallest issues. We’re going to show you how to breathe new life into your relationship, and love into your hearts, through skillful communication.
Com•mu•ni•ca•tion noun: the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of “communication” is pretty straightforward. Why is this the biggest problem in relationships? Because it’s not just the act of communicating; it’s also the manner in which you communicate. Is what you’re saying what is really true for you? Did you convey the message you intended? Good communication requires self-awareness and the courage to share your inner life with another person.
Communication is the bridge between two people. It takes our ideas, thoughts, and feelings from inside our heads and presents them as a gift to the listener, in this case, someone you care about. Communication is the solution to the problem of guessing what’s going on in each other’s heads. Communicating with your partner tells him or her, “I realize that you cannot read my mind.”
Many of our problems in life come from the mistaken idea that everybody sees things the same way that we do. Communication is the solution to what psychologists call the “egocentric predicament.” It gives each half of a couple the opportunity to check in with their mate to see if their perspective makes sense to at least one other person.
Talking through our thought life is also important because it allows our ideas to take shape and gain clarity and precision. Sometimes our initial ideas are just undeveloped seeds, and communication is the soil in which those ideas blossom.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you sometimes feel that you have no idea what your mate is talking about? Do you and your mate fight because each of you heard something completely dif-ferent from what was intended? Do you feel like you’re not completely heard by your mate? Does your mate try to fix you or your problem but succeed only in frustrating you further? Have you failed to take the time to let your mate know what you really want from him or her?
It may come as a surprise to you that these are common struggles that every couple grapples with in marriage. Communication is complex and involves a unique personal language for every individual. For really strong communication, you have to be multilingual. Not only do you have to be able to speak your own unique and personal language fluently, but you also have to be able to hear and interpret every other person’s unique and personal language. This can be especially difficult with someone you love.
And guess what? Language by itself is inadequate. The words we speak are only a small part of the message that gets transmitted. Research shows that eighty percent of the meaning of a given communication is telegraphed nonverbally. In other words, your body language and facial expressions are extremely important in communicating your feelings. That’s why communicating by phone, text, or e-mail can go so far sideways. One couple came in distraught over this text: “YOU DIDN’T GET IT!”
He had made the unforgivable error of inadvertently leaving caps lock on and didn’t realize he was yelling at his wife. She had completely overlooked the attached photo of her husband holding her strep results with a big smile on his face.
Do the complexities of communication sound overwhelming? After years of fine-tuning strategies at the Marriage Boot Camp, we are here to help you with some very simple tools to improve the way you communicate with your life partner.
Let’s jump into the topic of communication with a discussion of language and ask an important question: What’s more important in communication, logic or emotion?
We at the Marriage Boot Camp can tell you from experience (including our own experience!) that both logic and emotion are important in communication. In fact, they represent two distinct languages that you must fluently speak if you want to have a healthy, happy relationship. We all speak two languages: an emotional language and a logical language. The logical language is easy; it is the sharing of information. The emotional language is a bit more complicated in that it is typically indirect and we are sharing our feelings, our hearts.
Emotional language is asking for affirmation, not information. On an emotional level, we want to hear that we are valued, loved, and competent, although we are often indirect in how we ask that question of our mate. We all speak an emotional language but often don’t realize it. You’ve heard about people speaking with their hearts instead of their heads; this is what they’re talking about.
Emotional language is asking for affirmation, not information.
Our emotional language is also a call for connection. When a woman says, “Do I look fat in this dress?” what she’s really saying is “Pay attention to how I look and affirm that you find me attractive.” Men speak an emotional language as well, but in our culture we often teach them to ignore this language altogether. Make no mistake, though; both men and women make bids to connect. It just may look very different.
Connection is often indirect. Putting our hearts out there makes us vulnerable and at risk of being hurt. If we took the emotional language and made it direct instead of indirect, we might be saying things like:
The problem occurs when you are using logic and your mate is using emotion, or vice versa. It’s almost like having two completely different conversations on the same topic.
One of the keys to healthy communication is knowing how and when to use logical language versus emotional language. Not only do you have to learn to speak both languages, but you also need to be able to recognize which language your mate is speaking, so you can answer in the same language. And don’t get caught up in the notion that speaking an emotional language is the same as lying—it’s not. It’s simply answering the real question under the surface words.
So what exactly does emotional language look like? Well, here’s an example of an emotional question that we struggled with while we were developing this theory.
Elizabeth’s Story
It was one of those moments when I was feeling insecure. So what better way to get rid of this feeling of insecurity than to ask my beloved husband, Jim, a simple question: “Have you ever had great sex with anyone other than me?” Now, keep in mind that Jim has been very grateful, positive, and affirming about our sex life in the past, so I thought this question was kind of a no-brainer. I did not expect (or like) the answer I got. He replied: “Of course. I mean, I’ve had orgasms before.”
For those of you cringing, you understand my pain. For those of you shrugging and saying “What’s the problem with that answer?” please read on and let me help you understand the difference between emotional language and logical language.
Take the commonly asked question of wife to husband prior to heading out the door to an important event: “Does my butt look fat in this dress?”
If you are Star Trek’s Mr. Spock and you answer this question from a purely logical standpoint, you might say: “Yes. Your butt looks fat in everything. That’s because butts are made of fat. The fat is there to cushion you when you sit.” Oh jeez. Clearly, a husband like that doesn’t understand what his wife is asking.
A clearer way to ask that same question would be more along the lines of: “Do you love me even when I’m not feeling good about my body?” or “I’m feeling self-conscious about my weight; I really need some encouragement or positive feedback!” But few of us ever ask a body-image question that way. So frequently, a logically responding husband gets himself into trouble when he meant no harm at all; he just didn’t pick up his wife’s emotional cues.
Maybe some of you truly want a logic-based response to this question. Context often determines the proper response. Compare the same question asked in different venues. Asked on the dance floor at a formal affair, you’re looking for an emotional answer. You want to hear that your butt looks amazing in the dress. But in the dressing room at Macy’s while choosing that dress for the event, you would probably be looking for a more straightforward and logical answer.
The same disconnect would take place if you answered a logical question with an emotional answer. For example, if your husband asks, “Where are my keys?” and you give him an emotional answer like “I know you love your car,” your partner may look at you like you’ve lost your mind. In other words, you must understand the question through a filter of context, love, respect, and compassion. Choose wrong and give a logical answer to an emotional question, or vice versa, and the fight is on.
DOUBLE JEOPARDY
Okay, so what happens if the other person follows up with another potentially emotional question masked in logic? What if a husband answers, “You look great in everything,” and she replies, “You’re full of crap. I know you’re lying. Just tell me the truth!” When this happens, she is probably looking for a specific affirmation, and you should pick up on her cue and continue to respond emotionally. Reaffirm what you said and be specific in your observation. You might say, “Actually, your legs look really long in that,” or, “I like that even more than your pink dress,” which she knows you love. If she continues to question you, ask for clarification. “What do you think doesn’t look good about the dress? I think it looks great on you.” If she gets specific, you can respond and make her feel more secure. “No, your butt doesn’t look fat, but your cleavage looks fantastic.” Boom! That will make her smile. Bottom line: Don’t take the bait. Always err on the side of love when asked an emotional question!
Here are some typical emotional questions from the ladies:
Men are less obvious with their emotional language, and their needs are frequently about respect. Men will often brag, tell sports stories, complain about the bills, or moan about how hard they work. It is your job to pay attention to your mate’s emotional language and be prepared to give affirmation when it is needed.
For example, men might say:
BOOT CAMP CALL TO ACTION
Think about your own emotional language. What things do you say that could be misinterpreted as a logical question when you are really asking for affirmation, not information? Hint: These are things you usually say right before a fight! Write down your personal examples. What would you love to hear? What do you need to hear? Write out the perfect response to your emotional language and be prepared to share this with your mate.
MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP QUICK SCRIPT
Since not all of us have a natural ability to respond emotionally, with affirmation instead of information, we recommend you use the “Marriage Boot Camp Quick Script” to give you a model of how to respond if your mate says one of the following:
Do I look fat? This is not a time for a critique of how many pounds she/he needs to lose. “You look beautiful! When I look at you I see . . .” (Fill in the blank with every wonderful thing you observe; start from the top and work your way down. For example, shiny, gorgeous, healthy hair, glowing skin, beautiful breasts, a tiny waist, sexy round hips, and long legs.) “I do not see fat. Are you unhappy with your weight? I’m not.”
Would you marry me all over again? Do not say no unless you want your marriage to end. Think about the person that you wanted for your mate and speak from that place. “Of course I would! You are my soul mate, my best friend, and the love of my life. You are the person who shares everything with me.”
Do I look as good as when we first met? “No, you look better. Our life together is written all over you, and it adds beauty and depth.”
What would happen if we met each other for the first time right now? “I would feel the same magic that I felt the first time—even more intensely than when we met.”
Was sex ever great with anyone else? “The combination of the words ‘sex’ and ‘great’ only happens when we are together. You are wonderful. I can’t even compare it to anyone else I’ve been with because you’re the only one who has ever mattered this much.”
Can you imagine being with anyone else? “I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.”
Do you remember when I . . . ? “I do! But tell me again. I love that story.” This also presents a wonderful opportunity in a social setting for you to say, “Honey, tell that story about . . .” and encourage your mate to relive the happy moments.
I am swamped at work . . . “You work so hard and I’m grateful for everything you do for us. You’re so good at what you do, and I’m really proud of you.”
Traffic is a nightmare . . . “And you make this drive every day. Thank you for your sacrifice and how hard you work for us.”
Sam and Nancy’s Story
When Sam and Nancy came to the Marriage Boot Camp, they said their biggest problem was communication, but when we went through the discussion of emotional versus logical language, Nancy didn’t believe it applied to them. Asked to describe one of their fights, Nancy said, “That’s easy! Just yesterday Sam and I got into a big fight because he always ignores me and is on his computer all the time.”
Sam explained that he works from home and his work requires him to be on his computer. “It’s my job. Nancy criticizes me about being on the computer, but she doesn’t complain when my paycheck comes.” I asked them to describe exactly how the fight started, and Sam said, “Nancy just started bitching at me, and I blew up.”
I asked, “What exactly did Nancy say?”
Nancy jumped in and said, “I walked into his office and, real sweet-like, I said, ‘Whatcha doin’?’ The next thing I know, he’s yelling at me and saying, ‘I’m working! What does it look like?’”
So I asked Nancy, “When you say, ‘Whatcha doin’?’ in that sweet, childlike voice, what does that mean?” Nancy thought for a moment, then said, “I guess it means that I want him to spend time with me, but instead he blows up at me and I feel like he just hates me.”
Then I asked Sam what he thought she meant when she said, “Whatcha doin’?” He responded, “I feel like she’s questioning my work ethic and time management.” Eventually they were able to see how Nancy uses an emotional language when she says “Whatcha doin’?” and she wants an emotional response of affirmation like “Nothing that is more important than you! What’s up?” This was a huge lightbulb moment for both of them, and they were able to see how they were missing each other’s emotional communication, leading to unnecessary conflict.
Practicing Communication
We recommend a technique called “the interview.” You’ll simply ask your mate to tell you something about themselves. And, let’s face it, everyone loves it when you show interest in them; this isn’t something that changes over time. Sometimes, when we’ve been coupled for a long time, we forget about what kind of attention our partner needs.
First tee up the subject by describing the difference between an emotional language and a logical language and give examples of each. Then ask your mate to give you an example of a way they’ve communicated a need for affirmation that may have looked like a request for information. (Be prepared to share your emotional language and what it looks like and what kind of response you would really like.) Then ask your mate how it would make them feel if you were to respond to their emotional language in the way they want. Once a couple becomes “bilingual” in their relationship, many conflicts can simply be avoided.
THE ABCS OF MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction: Welcome to Marriage Boot Camp!
1: Communication
2: Sex
3: Money
4: Chores
5: Personality Differences
6: Parenting
7: Cheating
8: Fighting
9: Wrestling with the Past
10: The Need for Forgiveness
INTRODUCTION
WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP!
HAVE YOU BEEN A fan of the Marriage Boot Camp television series on WE tv? Some of you may have seen every season; the first two seasons consisted of participants from the infamous Bridezillas television show, followed by several seasons of reality stars from various television shows and genres. We’ve found that putting a mix of all different varieties of couples together in a boot-camp environment is helpful; not only will couples see the snarls and tangles in their own marriages, but seeing the struggles of other couples helps them in their own lives.
While these men and women come from varied socioeconomic backgrounds, educations, and places, they all came into the Marriage Boot Camp program struggling with equally daunting marital problems.
Our Bridezillas were really fascinating. We repeatedly heard from fans of the show that nobody was surprised to find those women having trouble in their relationships; it was what they expected after watching how they behaved toward their future spouses during their wedding planning and on the big day.
But through Marriage Boot Camp, we saw what was behind the tantrums portrayed on their shows and how in some cases, their future spouses had a lot to do with triggering their behavior. We saw the pain couples suffer when one or both of them are dishonest and hiding things. All of them finished our program more aware of their spouse’s needs and more understanding of the kind of respect and trust a marriage requires. Some of these women were less Bridezilla divas and more legitimately concerned wives. Really, in today’s world, if you cannot allow your spouse to look at your cell phone, there are much deeper trust issues that need serious consideration.
What many viewers don’t know is that Marriage Boot Camp existed long before the television show first aired in May of 2013. We created Marriage Boot Camp workshops and counseling seminars almost twelve years before we began appearing on television to share our approach to strengthening a marriage. To date more than ten thousand couples have participated in our workshops, and we commissioned a two-year study in 2001 that demonstrated exactly how successful the Marriage Boot Camp protocol is.
Statistically, traditional marriage counseling works only twenty percent of the time. Our study proved that eighty percent of the couples who used Marriage Boot Camp for relationship counseling went on to have happy and successful marriages. There’s nothing else like it—no other therapy program can claim a success rate that high.
Why is Marriage Boot Camp so successful? Because it forces struggling couples to step back and reevaluate everything, which includes looking in the mirror at their own issues. We often say that we have to take the marriage apart and look at every component to get to the root of the problem so we can build the marriage back up and give it a chance to work. Our program forces both spouses to not only hear and learn more about the needs and desires and fears of their partners, but we also put them in situations where they actually experience what their spouse is feeling for themselves.
HOW WILL THIS BOOK WORK FOR YOU?
You’ve picked up this book because you’re struggling in your own relationship and you’re wondering if reading this will help. Or you’re a massive fan of the show, in which case you’ll also enjoy reading about the process and gaining more understanding about what you’re seeing on television. The original Marriage Boot Camp seminar program tools are what you’re seeing on WE tv’s reality show, but the show gives us the ability to more graphically and vividly let the campers experience certain aspects of drills that couldn’t be executed in a classroom. The book breaks the program down into the steps we use to get these couples from a dark place to an enlightened understanding of each other’s needs and wants. And eighty percent of the time, it’s been proven to work to save a relationship in distress.
The foundation for this book comes from the Marriage Boot Camp seminar series and WE tv’s reality television show. We’ve taken many of the games, drills, and exercises we teach and put them in a readable, functional format to bring you an experience of healing that you can do at home. The chapters contain some guided visualizations that drop the reader into the world of the imagination to consider life from a different perspective. Stories and anecdotes from those who have already gone through the Marriage Boot Camp will illustrate how others have applied our teachings to their own lives. Then we give you several exercises that apply topic-specific activities to your life. By the time you’ve finished the book, you will have tools for living life and experiencing relationships more fully and more effectively. While there are many things that can negatively impact your marriage, after close to twenty years of shepherding spouses toward their own happily ever after, we have boiled this book down to the top-ten marriage killers: communication problems, sex problems, money disagreements, battling over chores, personality differences, parenting challenges, cheating, inability to resolve conflict, refusing to let go of the past, and issues surrounding the need for forgiveness.
If you can master these areas of challenge, then you, too, may find purpose in spreading the word: You can have the marriage you’ve always wanted!
WHY IS MARRIAGE SO HARD?
We all desperately long for a happy relationship. We were born into relationships, helpless and vulnerable, and had it not been for relationships, we would have perished. Not much has changed except the fact that we can physically survive, but a part of us dies without an intimate connection.
We are created to love and be loved, and there is no greater opportunity for this love than in marriage. We are called to become one with another so that we can touch each other’s deepest needs: the need for security—knowing that we are loved—and the need for significance—knowing that we are valued. So why is marriage so hard? It is hard because in order to be successful in marriage, you have to be solid and whole. That means you have to love yourself, delight in the unique creation of you, and appreciate the unique creation reflected in others. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else . . . yet marriage will not tolerate selfishness.
The dissolution of marriage through divorce has become commonplace and widespread, with a marriage success rate hovering around fifty percent in the United States. If a disease affected more than half of the populace, spreading suffering to all age groups, we would frantically search for a solution, but the disease of divorce is virtually ignored. Politicians may talk about returning to family values, and current events may inspire discussions of how the dissolution of the family unit has caused the havoc going on in some cities, but at the end of the day, nobody is doing anything about it. It’s all rhetoric.
Well, not anymore. This book takes on the divorce disease and more. It will help you understand who you are, why you are the way you are, and how these traits result in the marriage that you have. Once you understand the reasons that your life is the way it is today, we give you the tools to choose different beliefs and actions to get to a different outcome. The result is the marriage that you’ve always wanted.
Maybe you’re reading this book because you’re struggling with your relationship but your partner isn’t willing to embark on counseling together. That’s okay. You can start this program alone. Our hope is that once you’ve read the book, you’ll be better able to communicate with your partner based on the exercises and tools we’ve provided you.
However, it’s worth the struggle to ask your spouse to work the Marriage Boot Camp program with you and try to make progress in your lives together. Even if he or she isn’t ready to tackle the whole enchilada with you at one time, you may be able to navigate some of the steps and drills together without making your partner feel tested or judged. You may even find him or her more amenable than you thought! So be prepared just in case your spouse says yes when you initiate the discussion; some of the exercises are fun but require a little prep work for the uninitiated.
WHAT KIND OF “REAL” COUPLES DO THE MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP?
All kinds of couples participate in Marriage Boot Camp. Fans of the show know that the backgrounds and relationship problems of the couples all vary dramatically. Every human being is different, and each of us processes our relationships differently.
Here’s a little snapshot of a real (as in non-reality-television) couple who attended our active, experiential seminar:
It is ten o’clock on a Wednesday morning and forty couples enter the Marriage Boot Camp room. There’s a crackle in the air, but it is not the crackle of excitement. It is the crackle of pain. All of the couples are here because their marriages are in trouble. Many of them don’t want to be here but have come because they deeply love their spouse despite their relationship problems and they want to try to fix their marriages. For more than half of the couples in the room, this is their last-ditch effort to save their marriage. Many have already filed for divorce. We also have pre-marrieds doing the hard work before the wedding. Smart.
Some of the people in the room are here because they were dragged, coerced by their spouse, family, friends, or children to try one more thing before ending their marriage. Most of the people in the room are desperate for help even if attending Marriage Boot Camp wasn’t their idea.
Take the example of Bobby and Melissa:
Bobby and Melissa have been married for six years. They have two children, ages six and three. At nineteen years old, they found themselves accidentally pregnant and unmarried. Their dreams of education and individual successes were dashed in that instant. Bobby carries a deep-seated resentment toward Melissa, feeling that she manipulated him by getting pregnant. Melissa feels unfairly accused because the pregnancy was as much Bobby’s fault as hers. They ended their relationship during the pregnancy, dated other people, but kept coming back together out of their love for their son and a powerful sexual attraction. When Bobby decided to enter the military, he found that his benefits would be much greater if he were married. Plus, he didn’t want to travel the world alone. So for all the wrong reasons, Bobby and Melissa got married.
They tried to do marriage right, even having a second child together, but over time infidelity, deception, and lengthy absences poisoned whatever love they felt for each other. Both of them wanted to have a happy marriage, but they also both realized they didn’t know how to achieve that goal. They read every self-help book they could find and also participated in marriage counseling. Coming to Marriage Boot Camp was their last-ditch effort to avoid divorce.
Bobby and Melissa both grew up in dysfunctional homes with revolving father figures. Neither had ever seen a truly healthy, loving marriage, and they were well on the road to giving their children the same dysfunctional home that they had grown up in—the last thing they wanted to do. Their primary motivation for working out their relationship lay in the fact that they didn’t want to see their children suffer the way they had.
Upon arrival, Bobby and Melissa were both challenged to give one hundred percent to the Marriage Boot Camp program. They were promised they would be given the tools to have a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage. But they were also warned that just having the tools wouldn’t be enough to save their marriage. We asked this question: “Do you want to grow and heal and learn so that you can have a healthy marriage, or do you want to drag all of your dysfunction from this marriage into your future?”
Bobby and Melissa committed to giving one hundred percent. Both had little hope that their marriage would survive (some couples who travel to attend our boot camps actually arrive dreading spending even a few days in their hotel room together, much less contemplate spending the next ten, twenty, or forty years together), but they knew that they would have to co-parent their two small children whether or not they remained married. They both knew firsthand what it was like to have parents who couldn’t work together and who made life miserable for the children, and neither wanted to be that parent.
It was a difficult seminar for them, but the end result is that Bobby and Melissa were able to forgive each other, and themselves, for past transgressions and move forward. They learned how to communicate their needs and fears in a healthier manner. Marriages are never perfect, and they all require work and attention, but for now Bobby and Melissa both feel more safe and secure and able to provide the kind of family life for their children that they themselves had craved.
WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP?
You, too, can be “happily married,” but you have to be willing to give one hundred percent, dig deep, and work your butt off. This book will take you through the process of Marriage Boot Camp, and if you are indeed giving it your all, you’ll be pushed, prodded, and guided to become the best possible version of yourself. It is our experience that if you grow, your marriage will grow and you can have the marriage you’ve always wanted.
1
COMMUNICATION
WITH GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS, you can solve virtually any problem. With bad communication skills, you will struggle to solve even the smallest issues. We’re going to show you how to breathe new life into your relationship, and love into your hearts, through skillful communication.
Com•mu•ni•ca•tion noun: the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of “communication” is pretty straightforward. Why is this the biggest problem in relationships? Because it’s not just the act of communicating; it’s also the manner in which you communicate. Is what you’re saying what is really true for you? Did you convey the message you intended? Good communication requires self-awareness and the courage to share your inner life with another person.
Communication is the bridge between two people. It takes our ideas, thoughts, and feelings from inside our heads and presents them as a gift to the listener, in this case, someone you care about. Communication is the solution to the problem of guessing what’s going on in each other’s heads. Communicating with your partner tells him or her, “I realize that you cannot read my mind.”
Many of our problems in life come from the mistaken idea that everybody sees things the same way that we do. Communication is the solution to what psychologists call the “egocentric predicament.” It gives each half of a couple the opportunity to check in with their mate to see if their perspective makes sense to at least one other person.
Talking through our thought life is also important because it allows our ideas to take shape and gain clarity and precision. Sometimes our initial ideas are just undeveloped seeds, and communication is the soil in which those ideas blossom.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you sometimes feel that you have no idea what your mate is talking about? Do you and your mate fight because each of you heard something completely dif-ferent from what was intended? Do you feel like you’re not completely heard by your mate? Does your mate try to fix you or your problem but succeed only in frustrating you further? Have you failed to take the time to let your mate know what you really want from him or her?
It may come as a surprise to you that these are common struggles that every couple grapples with in marriage. Communication is complex and involves a unique personal language for every individual. For really strong communication, you have to be multilingual. Not only do you have to be able to speak your own unique and personal language fluently, but you also have to be able to hear and interpret every other person’s unique and personal language. This can be especially difficult with someone you love.
And guess what? Language by itself is inadequate. The words we speak are only a small part of the message that gets transmitted. Research shows that eighty percent of the meaning of a given communication is telegraphed nonverbally. In other words, your body language and facial expressions are extremely important in communicating your feelings. That’s why communicating by phone, text, or e-mail can go so far sideways. One couple came in distraught over this text: “YOU DIDN’T GET IT!”
He had made the unforgivable error of inadvertently leaving caps lock on and didn’t realize he was yelling at his wife. She had completely overlooked the attached photo of her husband holding her strep results with a big smile on his face.
Do the complexities of communication sound overwhelming? After years of fine-tuning strategies at the Marriage Boot Camp, we are here to help you with some very simple tools to improve the way you communicate with your life partner.
Let’s jump into the topic of communication with a discussion of language and ask an important question: What’s more important in communication, logic or emotion?
We at the Marriage Boot Camp can tell you from experience (including our own experience!) that both logic and emotion are important in communication. In fact, they represent two distinct languages that you must fluently speak if you want to have a healthy, happy relationship. We all speak two languages: an emotional language and a logical language. The logical language is easy; it is the sharing of information. The emotional language is a bit more complicated in that it is typically indirect and we are sharing our feelings, our hearts.
Emotional language is asking for affirmation, not information. On an emotional level, we want to hear that we are valued, loved, and competent, although we are often indirect in how we ask that question of our mate. We all speak an emotional language but often don’t realize it. You’ve heard about people speaking with their hearts instead of their heads; this is what they’re talking about.
Emotional language is asking for affirmation, not information.
Our emotional language is also a call for connection. When a woman says, “Do I look fat in this dress?” what she’s really saying is “Pay attention to how I look and affirm that you find me attractive.” Men speak an emotional language as well, but in our culture we often teach them to ignore this language altogether. Make no mistake, though; both men and women make bids to connect. It just may look very different.
Connection is often indirect. Putting our hearts out there makes us vulnerable and at risk of being hurt. If we took the emotional language and made it direct instead of indirect, we might be saying things like:
The problem occurs when you are using logic and your mate is using emotion, or vice versa. It’s almost like having two completely different conversations on the same topic.
One of the keys to healthy communication is knowing how and when to use logical language versus emotional language. Not only do you have to learn to speak both languages, but you also need to be able to recognize which language your mate is speaking, so you can answer in the same language. And don’t get caught up in the notion that speaking an emotional language is the same as lying—it’s not. It’s simply answering the real question under the surface words.
So what exactly does emotional language look like? Well, here’s an example of an emotional question that we struggled with while we were developing this theory.
Elizabeth’s Story
It was one of those moments when I was feeling insecure. So what better way to get rid of this feeling of insecurity than to ask my beloved husband, Jim, a simple question: “Have you ever had great sex with anyone other than me?” Now, keep in mind that Jim has been very grateful, positive, and affirming about our sex life in the past, so I thought this question was kind of a no-brainer. I did not expect (or like) the answer I got. He replied: “Of course. I mean, I’ve had orgasms before.”
For those of you cringing, you understand my pain. For those of you shrugging and saying “What’s the problem with that answer?” please read on and let me help you understand the difference between emotional language and logical language.
Take the commonly asked question of wife to husband prior to heading out the door to an important event: “Does my butt look fat in this dress?”
If you are Star Trek’s Mr. Spock and you answer this question from a purely logical standpoint, you might say: “Yes. Your butt looks fat in everything. That’s because butts are made of fat. The fat is there to cushion you when you sit.” Oh jeez. Clearly, a husband like that doesn’t understand what his wife is asking.
A clearer way to ask that same question would be more along the lines of: “Do you love me even when I’m not feeling good about my body?” or “I’m feeling self-conscious about my weight; I really need some encouragement or positive feedback!” But few of us ever ask a body-image question that way. So frequently, a logically responding husband gets himself into trouble when he meant no harm at all; he just didn’t pick up his wife’s emotional cues.
Maybe some of you truly want a logic-based response to this question. Context often determines the proper response. Compare the same question asked in different venues. Asked on the dance floor at a formal affair, you’re looking for an emotional answer. You want to hear that your butt looks amazing in the dress. But in the dressing room at Macy’s while choosing that dress for the event, you would probably be looking for a more straightforward and logical answer.
The same disconnect would take place if you answered a logical question with an emotional answer. For example, if your husband asks, “Where are my keys?” and you give him an emotional answer like “I know you love your car,” your partner may look at you like you’ve lost your mind. In other words, you must understand the question through a filter of context, love, respect, and compassion. Choose wrong and give a logical answer to an emotional question, or vice versa, and the fight is on.
DOUBLE JEOPARDY
Okay, so what happens if the other person follows up with another potentially emotional question masked in logic? What if a husband answers, “You look great in everything,” and she replies, “You’re full of crap. I know you’re lying. Just tell me the truth!” When this happens, she is probably looking for a specific affirmation, and you should pick up on her cue and continue to respond emotionally. Reaffirm what you said and be specific in your observation. You might say, “Actually, your legs look really long in that,” or, “I like that even more than your pink dress,” which she knows you love. If she continues to question you, ask for clarification. “What do you think doesn’t look good about the dress? I think it looks great on you.” If she gets specific, you can respond and make her feel more secure. “No, your butt doesn’t look fat, but your cleavage looks fantastic.” Boom! That will make her smile. Bottom line: Don’t take the bait. Always err on the side of love when asked an emotional question!
Here are some typical emotional questions from the ladies:
Men are less obvious with their emotional language, and their needs are frequently about respect. Men will often brag, tell sports stories, complain about the bills, or moan about how hard they work. It is your job to pay attention to your mate’s emotional language and be prepared to give affirmation when it is needed.
For example, men might say:
BOOT CAMP CALL TO ACTION
Think about your own emotional language. What things do you say that could be misinterpreted as a logical question when you are really asking for affirmation, not information? Hint: These are things you usually say right before a fight! Write down your personal examples. What would you love to hear? What do you need to hear? Write out the perfect response to your emotional language and be prepared to share this with your mate.
MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP QUICK SCRIPT
Since not all of us have a natural ability to respond emotionally, with affirmation instead of information, we recommend you use the “Marriage Boot Camp Quick Script” to give you a model of how to respond if your mate says one of the following:
Do I look fat? This is not a time for a critique of how many pounds she/he needs to lose. “You look beautiful! When I look at you I see . . .” (Fill in the blank with every wonderful thing you observe; start from the top and work your way down. For example, shiny, gorgeous, healthy hair, glowing skin, beautiful breasts, a tiny waist, sexy round hips, and long legs.) “I do not see fat. Are you unhappy with your weight? I’m not.”
Would you marry me all over again? Do not say no unless you want your marriage to end. Think about the person that you wanted for your mate and speak from that place. “Of course I would! You are my soul mate, my best friend, and the love of my life. You are the person who shares everything with me.”
Do I look as good as when we first met? “No, you look better. Our life together is written all over you, and it adds beauty and depth.”
What would happen if we met each other for the first time right now? “I would feel the same magic that I felt the first time—even more intensely than when we met.”
Was sex ever great with anyone else? “The combination of the words ‘sex’ and ‘great’ only happens when we are together. You are wonderful. I can’t even compare it to anyone else I’ve been with because you’re the only one who has ever mattered this much.”
Can you imagine being with anyone else? “I can’t imagine being with anyone but you.”
Do you remember when I . . . ? “I do! But tell me again. I love that story.” This also presents a wonderful opportunity in a social setting for you to say, “Honey, tell that story about . . .” and encourage your mate to relive the happy moments.
I am swamped at work . . . “You work so hard and I’m grateful for everything you do for us. You’re so good at what you do, and I’m really proud of you.”
Traffic is a nightmare . . . “And you make this drive every day. Thank you for your sacrifice and how hard you work for us.”
Sam and Nancy’s Story
When Sam and Nancy came to the Marriage Boot Camp, they said their biggest problem was communication, but when we went through the discussion of emotional versus logical language, Nancy didn’t believe it applied to them. Asked to describe one of their fights, Nancy said, “That’s easy! Just yesterday Sam and I got into a big fight because he always ignores me and is on his computer all the time.”
Sam explained that he works from home and his work requires him to be on his computer. “It’s my job. Nancy criticizes me about being on the computer, but she doesn’t complain when my paycheck comes.” I asked them to describe exactly how the fight started, and Sam said, “Nancy just started bitching at me, and I blew up.”
I asked, “What exactly did Nancy say?”
Nancy jumped in and said, “I walked into his office and, real sweet-like, I said, ‘Whatcha doin’?’ The next thing I know, he’s yelling at me and saying, ‘I’m working! What does it look like?’”
So I asked Nancy, “When you say, ‘Whatcha doin’?’ in that sweet, childlike voice, what does that mean?” Nancy thought for a moment, then said, “I guess it means that I want him to spend time with me, but instead he blows up at me and I feel like he just hates me.”
Then I asked Sam what he thought she meant when she said, “Whatcha doin’?” He responded, “I feel like she’s questioning my work ethic and time management.” Eventually they were able to see how Nancy uses an emotional language when she says “Whatcha doin’?” and she wants an emotional response of affirmation like “Nothing that is more important than you! What’s up?” This was a huge lightbulb moment for both of them, and they were able to see how they were missing each other’s emotional communication, leading to unnecessary conflict.
Practicing Communication
We recommend a technique called “the interview.” You’ll simply ask your mate to tell you something about themselves. And, let’s face it, everyone loves it when you show interest in them; this isn’t something that changes over time. Sometimes, when we’ve been coupled for a long time, we forget about what kind of attention our partner needs.
First tee up the subject by describing the difference between an emotional language and a logical language and give examples of each. Then ask your mate to give you an example of a way they’ve communicated a need for affirmation that may have looked like a request for information. (Be prepared to share your emotional language and what it looks like and what kind of response you would really like.) Then ask your mate how it would make them feel if you were to respond to their emotional language in the way they want. Once a couple becomes “bilingual” in their relationship, many conflicts can simply be avoided.
THE ABCS OF MARRIAGE BOOT CAMP
