Are You the One for Me?

1
 
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
 
Falling in love is a magical and powerful experience. Each kiss, each conversation, each moment in the beginning seems so right, so perfect. But soon attraction and infatuation become a “relationship,” and we are brought down to earth with the challenging realities of sharing our life with another human being. And as those first enchanted weeks turn into months, one day we find ourselves asking: “Is this person right for me?”
 
If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ve asked yourself this question—before you made a commitment, before you got married, or, if the relationship didn’t work, before you decided to leave for good.
 
I used to hear this question every day when I had a radio talk show in Los Angeles. I received more phone calls about this problem than any other.
 
 “I love my boyfriend, but I’m afraid to make a commitment and marry him. What if I meet someone I love more in a few years? How can I tell if we’re compatible enough?”
 
 “I’ve been dating a woman for two years, but she has children I don’t get along with. Do you think this relationship can work?”
 
 “My husband and I argue all the time. He refuses to go to counseling, and we hardly ever have sex anymore. I love him and don’t want to hurt the children, but I’m totally miserable. How can I be sure it’s really over before I leave?”
 
 “I’ve just come out of a very painful relationship. I want to find a partner to share my life with, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. How can I tell the next time if I’m with someone who is wrong for me before my heart gets broken?”
 
I understand the pain and turmoil these people are going through, because I’ve been through it, too. Since my first serious relationship at seventeen, and, until recently, I fell in love without giving serious consideration to whether the person was right for me, let alone whether they loved me enough. Someone showed up, and if he had something lovable about him, I would start a relationship. I’d convince myself he was “the one,” only to find out that we were incompatible and watch the relationship fail. Then I would feel sorry for myself and wonder what I was doing wrong.
 
After too many heartbreaks, I was forced to face the sad truth: In spite of my experience, education, and my intense desire to be happy, I continually chose partners who were not right for me. I was falling in love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
 
I’m happy to say, I’ve spent the past five years of my life learning how to help myself and others make better love choices, and the results have been truly amazing. When it was time to choose a topic for my third book, I knew right away what it would be. My first two books were about how to love; this book is about whom to love. It’s about knowing when someone is right for you, and avoiding those who are wrong. I hope that what you learn in this book will give you the understanding and support you need to create the passionate and fulfilling relationship you deserve.
 
HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?
 
We all want to be happy in our love life, and we want our relationships to work. So, obviously, none of us deliberately sets out to choose partners who are wrong for us. We truly believe we are making the right decision when we select a mate. But the sad reality is that, more often than not, those choices turn out to be painful mistakes.
 
 
Many of us are choosing the wrong partners and wondering why our relationships are not working.
 
 
Have you ever thought or said the following about one of your relationships?
 
 “How could I have been so blind? Why didn’t I see what he/she was really like?”
 
 “I felt so sure that, this time, it would work. Where did I go wrong?”
 
 “He seemed so wonderful when we first met. I can’t figure out why he changed into someone I can’t stand.”
 
 “All the signs were there from the beginning that she didn’t feel the way I did. I guess I just ignored them and convinced myself things would get better.”
 
 “We loved each other, but we couldn’t agree on anything, and all we did was argue.”
 
 “I was so sure he was different from the other men I’d been with. It took me almost two years to find out that I’d picked the same type of guy all over again! How could I have wasted so much time?”
 
 “I remember feeling really in love with her at the time, but the truth is, I never told anyone we were together because I was embarrassed to admit I was even involved with a woman like that.”
 
 “Everything about him seemed so perfect; I kept telling myself that I should be happy with him, but there just wasn’t any chemistry between us.”
 
There is an old saying, “Hindsight has 20/20 vision.” It’s always so much easier to look back and see things clearly that we could not see at all then. It’s much easier to be wiser about the mistakes we made yesterday than the ones we are in the process of making today. Yet, I’ve always lived by the philosophy that there are no “mistakes”—only opportunities for growth and learning. And learning from the past gives meaning, and even purpose, to some of the pain and heartache collected along the way.
 
This book contains everything I have learned about choosing the right partner, from my own experiences and those of the men and women I have counseled and worked with. It’s about understanding why you make the love choices you do, and learning how to make more fulfilling ones. It answers the questions, “How could I have been so blind?” and “How can I tell if I’m with the right person?” and hopefully will give you the vision you need to see the truth about your own love life.
 
IF YOU ARE SINGLE, I hope this book will give you tools and guidelines for making healthy, successful choices in your partner for your next relationship.
 
IF YOU ARE RECOVERING FROM A BROKEN HEART, I hope this book will help you understand why your relationship choices were not good ones for you, and will give you information that will help you make much wiser and less painful choices next time.
 
IF YOU ARE UNMARRIED BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP, I hope this book will support you in getting clear about whether your relationship is right for you, so you don’t have to waste time and energy on a relationship that won’t work.
 
IF YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE, I hope this book will show you that many of the conflicts you and your partner experience may stem not from lack of love, but lack of compatibility, and that understanding your differences can help you live more peacefully and passionately together.
 
WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS DON’T WORK
 
Relationships don’t work for one of two reasons:
 
You are with the right person but you are loving wrong.
 You and your partner have poor communication habits.
 You don’t know how to create real intimacy.
 You don’t ask for what you want, and end up feeling resentful.
 You neglect the relationship.
 
or
 
You are with the wrong person.
 Your love or life-style is incompatible with your partner’s.
 You do not share enough common values and commitments.
 Your partner has “fatal flaws” that make having a successful relationship impossible.
 You can’t give each other enough of what you need.
 
Several years ago I wrote my first book, How to Make Love All the Time, as a manual to help people learn how to love one another in a way that creates healthy, passionate, fulfilling relationships. The book was really about how to stop loving the wrong way and start loving the right way, reason number one above. But that information, as valuable as it has been to millions of my readers around the world, is incomplete without the material I’ve included in this book, because if you are loving the wrong person, loving the right way won’t make a difference.