Unusually Stupid Celebrities

1

THE CONCERNED CELEBRITY

Celebrities on the World Around Us

Celebrities are like superheroes—they are powerful beings who can use their special skills for good. Or evil, for that matter.

So let us take a look at how celebrities use their power on the world stage.

Celebrities Solve All the World’s Problems, Part 1

It is terribly easy—and terribly unfair—to dismiss celebrities as mere pretty faces. These people are thinkers and carers and doers. Like so many of us, they worry about the world of today, about the pressing problems we face. And, as so-called “creatives,” they are chock-full of extremely creative (not to mention innovative) suggestions on how to solve these problems. We are shocked, shocked, that no one has ever acted upon these ideas.

Let us take a look, then, at some of the most pressing problems existing in the 21st century—and the solutions proposed by various celebrities.

World Problem #1: Terrorism

Celebrity Solution: Put “all the mean people” in a special terrorist country

Tara Reid is one helluva prognosticator. In fact, we wonder why she has never been a talking head on CNN. (Open note to CNN: Sign this gal up!) After the London terrorist subway bombings, she came up with a sage idea on how to prevent further terrorism:

“I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.”

And this makes us sad too.

World Problem #2: The high crime rate

Celebrity Solution: Nudity on television

Why listen to endless debates about the pros and cons of gun control? The issue, apparently, isn’t about bearing arms, but baring arms . . . and breasts . . . and everything else. Or, to put it more succinctly—as rapper and erstwhile social reformer Nelly sums it up:

“I could turn on just about any television channel in Europe and see full nudity. And their crime rate is a lot lower than ours. Go figure.”

Excellent point, Nelly!

World Problem #3: The environment

Celebrity Solution: Educate yourself

Yes, this sounds a little simplistic, but as any celebrity could tell you, it’s vital to keep up with studies about pollution, the greenhouse effect, global warming, etc. It’s not enough to just drive a Prius. Instead, we should all take a page from actress Kate Bosworth’s book and be students of environmental issues. Know the facts! Learn everything you can! This will enable you to make the right choices to protect Mother Earth. Just listen to her commentary:

“There was just a study done actually, I saw it on Regis and Kelly, I can’t remember how many hours a year a person uses being in their car in L.A., but it’s, like, a lot of time.”

World Problem #3a: The environment

Another Celebrity Solution: Shit in the woods

Drew Barrymore realizes the way to saving the environment is for all of us to live more in tune with nature. Drew—who, incidentally, earns about $15 million a film—spent some time in a primitive Chilean village for an MTV series. “I aspire to be like them more,” she raved (perhaps ignoring their high infant mortality rate and short life expectancies). Highlight of her visit?

“I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome.”

World Problem #4: War

Celebrity Solution: Anus-smelling

Actor Dustin Hoffman puts his proboscis in the, er, meat of the matter when it comes to preventing war:

“When a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other’s asses. The information that’s gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I’ve thought, ‘If only we smelled each other’s asses, there wouldn’t be any war.’ ”

(Note: Hoffman, unfortunately, did not offer further explanations on how to decipher the meaning of said ass-scents, nor did he delineate the preferred method of ass-smelling.)

World Problem #5: Nuclear waste disposal

Celebrity Solution: Kabbalah water

Okay, yes, it was Madonna who came up with this solution. (How did you guess?)

Concerned about the possibility of an ecological disaster due to too much nuclear waste, she and hubby Guy “Yes, I Am a Director, Not Just Her Husband” Ritchie began lobbying the British government and nuclear industry to let them know they had the perfect answer: Kabbalah water, a “mystical” liquid that helps do pretty much anything and everything—including, clearly, defanging nuclear waste. And they had proof!—well, “claims”—that the magic fluid already has worked on Russian nuclear waste.

Sadly, scientists and government officials aren’t as prescient as Madge and remain naysayers. Said one, “It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically.”

World Problem #6: Too much negativity

Celebrity Solution: Positivity!

One final problem and solution—and this one is of

a more general nature. We are speaking of the relentless negativity that pervades this world. How can we rid our planet of this negative energy? How can we turn from the dark to the light? Kate Bosworth knows, and it’s really all just so simple, we’re shocked no one has thought of it before:

“If you, like, have everybody taking ten minutes a day and really focusing on, like, positivity and a better world and a better self, like, imagine all that, just all that positivity going out there.”

Oh, yeah, baby! We can dig it!

Celebrities’ Great Contributions to Humanity

Some stars go one step further. They not only suggest, they contribute to humankind. They sacrifice themselves to the higher good, they walk the lonely walk. For themselves? No—for their fans, for their fellow countrymen (and women). In short, for us all.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs)

Great Contribution to Humanity: Getting rid of the “P” from his name

It was tough, perhaps, but he had to do it, explained Diddy, once known as P. Diddy. His relationship with his fans was important and yet he felt himself somehow becoming separated from them. What to do? He decided to sacrifice of an integral part of himself. . . .

“I felt like the ‘P’ was coming between me and my fans. We had to simplify it. It was, you know, during concerts and half the crowd saying ‘P. Diddy’ and half the crowd chanting ‘Diddy.’ Now everybody can just chant ‘Diddy.’ ”

The man may have lost his initial “P,” but grateful fans will cherish the sacrifice. For now they all can chant, “Diddy.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Supermodel Fabio

Great Contribution to Humanity: Speaking out publicly on the dangers of getting hit in the head by flying birds that live near roller coasters at theme parks

Sometimes it needs someone famous to alert the public to lurking hidden dangers. In superbuff Fabio’s case his mission began with a seemingly innocent promotional ride on Busch Gardens Williamsburg’s new Apollo’s Chariot roller coaster. Unfortunately, during the promotional roller coaster ride, Fabio’s face suffered a mid-ride collision with a flying bird (reportedly a goose) that ended in a bloody human-avian mess.

The supermodel, blood streaming from his nose, was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for a minor cut, and released. The goose, alas, did not fare as well; someone reported a dead goose floating in a nearby body of water.

In eloquent but broken English, the charming hard-headed Italian hunk related the very real dangers of being-hit-in-the-head-by-flying- birds-while-riding-on-a-roller-coaster on the TV morning shows, and issued a gentle but firm statement urging Busch Gardens “now” to install safety measures so “that this will not happen again.” He also warned the world of the important dangers of building theme parks with roller coaster rides near avian nesting or breeding areas.

The model, whose favorite color is turquoise and who adorns romance novel covers and serves as a spokesperson for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, sternly added that a similar incident “could cause more serious accidents or possibly a child’s death.”

Unfortunately, as one paper reported, “nationwide accident data involving birds, roller-coaster riders and birds versus roller- coaster riders were not immediately available.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Soccer star David Beckham

Great Contribution to Humanity: Shaves mohawk haircut—for the children

Another child-oriented celebrity, soccer superstar David Beckham, quite charitably chose to abandon his famous Mohawk haircut. He was very concerned about children copying his hairstyle and getting into trouble.

Instead, the L.A. Galaxy player, then with Manchester United, decided to adopt a new, more mature style: He shaved off half of his eyebrow.

Later he shaved three lines in his eyebrow in a tribute to his megabucks-paying sponsor, triple-striped Adidas, actions which children presumably can comfortably emulate, their parents certainly understanding the value of lucrative sponsorships.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Actor David Hasselhoff

Great Contribution to Humanity: In a word, Baywatch

According to “the Hoff,” his TV show about buff and buffette lifeguards in L.A. was more than just a show about tits, ass, pecs, and abs. It was significant:

“Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives.”

Two modest questions, Herr Hoff-meister: How did it enrich? Whom did it save?

Celebrity Humanitarian: Actress Demi Moore

Great Contribution to Humanity: Faces down cost-cutting selfish accountant types and travels with makeup artist, hairstylist, personal assistant, chef, and three nannies—for the “higher good”

Demi Moore, no stranger to charity and caring for others, traveled with such a large entourage in 1997 that she used two private jets. She explained that the immense expense of flying this entourage was justifiable. “We’re working together for the higher good.” The higher good in question was promoting her not-so-classic film GI Jane.

(Later, while promoting the film Ghost, Moore included a masseuse, fashion consultant, an assistant and an assistant’s assistant in her traveling retinue—but as Ghost did better at the box office, we may safely assume this was a higher “Higher Good.”)

Celebrity Humanitarian: Model Naomi Campbell

Great Contribution to Humanity: Modeling

Martin Luther King, Jr., may have stirred millions with his courageous eloquence, but Naomi Campbell is making her own contribution to civil rights for African Americans.

The high-priced supermodel, who takes home at least several million a year and was recently estimated to be worth about $30 million, models for fashion magazines not for herself, but for others. (Naturally she keeps the money and the perks—it is the modeling itself which is her contribution.)

As she explains, “I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.”

We’re certain many are pleased with such selfless generosity.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Singer Michael Jackson

Great Contribution to Humanity: Participation in halftime show at Super Bowl

In the singer’s own words, “I can’t think of a better way to spread the message of world peace than by working with the NFL and being part of Super Bowl XXVII.”

Actually, we kind of think we could think of a lot of better ways, but maybe we’re just being cynical.

Celebrities Contribute to Racism

(and Anti-Semitism Too!)

Some celebrities go the extra mile and speak their special truths— unafraid of public reaction. True, some of their opinions may be a little . . . out there.

You might think that with the mikes on and the cameras rolling, your average celebrity would watch his or her mouth in our politically correct world. But sometimes, as with Mel Gibson’s famous DUI episode, a little alcohol loosens the ol’ tongue.

And then there are other celebrities, too, bolder ones than old Mel, ones who don’t even need alcohol and traffic cops to opine rather vigorously—some would say maybe a mite intolerantly—on the different races and people that make up our marvelously diverse world.

Here, then, a somewhat gloves-off celebrity take on some minorities.

Jews Caused All the Wars in the World

Vietnam? The Jews. The Battle of Hastings? The Jews. The Civil War? Yup, the Jews. Okay, if you hadn’t heard it yet, for some reason, now you know. Or you’re reminded again. Courtesy of actor Mel Gibson:

“Fucking Jews . . . the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.”

After sharing these stunningly advanced and deep geopolitical insights, Gibson asked a deputy who had stopped him for drunk driving: “Are you a Jew?”

Good question in this case, just maybe. (Incidentally, the deputy was Jewish.)

Arabs Should Be Nuked and Their Cities Turned into Molten Green Glass Parking Lots

On the other side of the proverbial coin from Mel Gibson is genius actor James “Kill Those Ragheads” Woods, who boasts an IQ of 180 and SAT scores of 779 and 800 (see page 18). Did we mention that Woods has an IQ of over 180 and SAT scores of 779 and 800? Or has Woods already told you?

Anyway, James Woods is against negotiating with “any of these crappy little Arab states” and says that if he had any evidence at all that any single country was supporting “even a single ounce” of terrorism, “I would say wipe them off the face of the earth.” He adds approvingly that had terrorism happened to the Russians, “about three major cities in the Middle East would have been parking lots in twenty minutes. They would have been molten green glass, not a single thing would have lived there for 250,000 years. . . .” (One question to our actor with the large brainpan: How do you park in molten green glass?)

Woods, with his IQ of 180, apparently doesn’t think that the millions of innocent Arabs in these cities which harbor few terrorists have any right to live, which seems a bit uncaring to us. Moreover, it does not seem to be a particularly intelligent approach to terrorism. But then again, Woods only got 779 on the math portion of his SATs, not a perfect 800.

Indians Are Short, Poor, Dark, and Don’t Speak English

This fascinating and perhaps controversial insight comes from a rather obscure celebrity (but we bet she’s big on the pampas)—none other than the 2004 Miss Bolivia herself, Gabriela Oviedo. She offered these observations in Ecuador, where the Miss Universe pageant was being held:

“Unfortunately, people that don’t know Bolivia very much think that we are all just Indian people . . .

poor people and very short people and Indian people. I’m from the other side of the country . . . and we are tall and we are white people and we know English.”

No, we must admit we were unaware of this. But we now can see the educational value of the Miss Universe pageant. Look what we just learned about Bolivia!

Negroes Look Like Cannibals

Singer Nico offered up this somewhat illogical perception of African Americans, but at least she did acknowledge it was a mistake. Not the sentiments themselves, of course, but saying them. That is, people took it so harshly, when all she said was . . .

“I made a mistake. I said in Melody Maker to some interviewer that I didn’t like Negroes. That’s all. They took it so personally . . . although it’s a whole different race. I mean, Bob Marley doesn’t resemble a Negro, does he? . . . He’s an archetype of Jamaican . . . but with the features like white people. I don’t like the features. They’re so much like animals . . . it’s cannibals, no?”

We’re surprised too that people took this so personally. What’s wrong with people?